I guess to fully understand any of what I'll be blogging about, you'll have to first get to know me. I'm starting high school in about 2 weeks. And, while the world around me is looking forward to new adventures, new friends, new ideas, I'm still having trouble recovering from the old ones. The people I'm entering this 'life experience', are not some of my favorites. My best friend is probably the most superficial person you will ever meet. She's not really that bright either. She just asked me about 20 minutes ago if she could become a princess by marrying a prince only. My other best friend and I had a conversation the other day about how he wants to just be someone who's liked by others. That's his goal in life. Screw charity, or even himself, as long as everyone loves him, who gives a crap what kind of person he is. I guess I should be kind of flattered that he shared this with me, but I'm not, I can't help but be anything other then pissed off that some guy would change his whole image just to get a bunch of fakes to say, "Hey" when he walks down the hall. Is that every teenager's secret dream? And then on top of this, I have this whole kind of weird thing with one of my really close friends. He likes me, yes, I've known about it for a while, and I try to ignore it. It's not that he's not sweet or caring or totally perfect for me, it's that, I'm not totally perfect for him, despite what he says.
I guess you can say I'm kind of cynical. I'm starting to not believe in love, or faith, or really anything with an optimistic side, but the again, it really depends on what kind of mood you catch me in. Some days I feel like putting on Godsmack and telling everyone what complete assholes they are. (So if I say it's a Godsmack kind of day, you'll get what I mean.) Other times I feel like listening to Mandy Moore sing about her eternal love with Shane West in A Walk To Remember. But most of the time, I just feel like listening to All Time Low and just tuning out the rest of the world. I'm the complete opposite of what I am. I know that doesn't make any sense, and I'm not really trying to be confusing, it's just how I feel. I feel like if I met me on the street, I would either totally love me, or more likely, totally hate me. I admit I can be totally hypocritical (something that has been pointed out to me many times), but most of the time, I just feel like Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye, I feel like, everyone else is just faking who they are, wanting to fit in, willing to do anything to be 'accepted'. And those people aren't the kind of people I want to be around, but then again, when I go out of the house worrying if my hair is perfect, then does that mean I'm more like them then I could ever want to be?
Hm, I guess to get to know me better, you should know the kind of things that bug me. In my opinion, if you know what bugs a person, you can almost figure them out entirely. Well, let's see, it bugs me when people overuse the phrase 'random', it bugs me when people talk about loving to dance like no one's watching, but who actually does that when people are around? That's right, no one, especially the people that preach about it. It seems like those people are the ones who are focused on who's watching them more then anyone else. It really bugs me when people try to intimidate other people. I guess I know that sometimes people deserve what's coming to them, but come on, we're 14 years old, do you really need to go with your friends, trying to prove that your some bad ass by telling off a little girl? No, I don't think so, in my opinion, it just makes you an ass. Besides, who's to judge who's right and who's wrong? You think that just because you have your tall friends behind you crossing their arms in makes you God? No, I don't think so, it just makes you as pompous, arrogant, and insecure as the person you're intimidating.
Ay, speaking of things that bug a person, my popular-pleasing friend has just asked me what they can do to be more like me, how the hell should I know. Besides, who really wants to be like me, as it has been mentioned many times, I'm the most hated girl in school, which I still find highly unlikely, because I hardly know half the kids at school, but I guess it makes some people feel better to say that. Anyways, people are always talking about how 'strong' or 'popular' I am, but I don't want to be that way. But if someone's being a bitch to someone else, I'm not just going to stand by and let it happen just because that someone happens to have a cousin in a gang or something. And either way, I don't want anyone to be like me. I like being me. I like being to social reject that wants to be in the back of the class listening to her ipod and drawing stars on the inside of her wrist. That's what I like to do. But instead, I'm the girl at the front of the class, trying to ignore the people around me asking me about what I think of their sweater, or their boyfriend, or what I thought of Gossip Girl last night. Either way, my friend says even if I don't want to be a leader, I have no choice, because people follow me. I wonder if they realize that I have no idea where I'm going? And besides, if these are my friends following me, what I really want, is friends that aren't timid enough to follow some fake punk rocker chick.
I guess the big problem with me (other then using the phrase "I guess" way to often), is that I'm not your average 14 year old girl. I'm not saying that to praise myself, or to even classify myself as a "special" girl, whether special means beautifully tormented, or just plain lovely, I realize that I don't want the same things my friends want. I don't care if some girl accepts me, screw her. I don't care if people think I'm good at band, I like art. I don't care if I have a stupid boyfriend, I don't even like the label "boyfriend". But this doesn't stop me from being hated by many (some say it's jealousy, I prefer not to look into that), an amazing clarinetist, and liked by a total of 14 boys last year. It only means that, I can have everything someone else wants, and still be more miserable then they are. But don't feel bad for me yet, maybe high school will be an amazing change? Yeah, right.
No comments:
Post a Comment